When I was in the thick of a toxic relationship, there is no way anyone could tell me that there was anything that could positively come from being in a whirl wind of control, mental abuse, anger, and deceit... from both of us.
I remember looking at everyone else who had the strength to leave... I felt so weak.
I have a family member who was a single mom with 2 kids, the father of her kids was off doing who knows what, with no support, and I looked at her with envy of her strength to stay focused on what she wanted. I looked at her with envy as she was able to just live her life as she felt.
I just wanted out! But could not see the way.
People saw me as such a strong, happy individual, who lightened up a room when entering. I know I looked that way on the outside, but inside, I was lying to myself and to others. Inside I was dying.
I don't know when it all changed, the way I felt, thought, planned my escape. My escape from my marriage, the life I created. I do know there were signs when I was deep in my sadness. While watching Dr. Phil one afternoon, I remember a couple fighting over nothing, but everything. (That was us). I remember the wife being done, but Dr. Phil said something to the effect of, "If you are still fighting, you are not done." WHAT!
How is that even possible. I can't even stand to be around the guy, let alone be in a relationship that was all about the fighting. That was our norm. Well, it was a golden ticket. I didn't know what that meant, but I will tell you after all these years, that was a defining moment of change.
That statement from Dr. Phil lingered in my head, every fight, I would hear him saying it. Damn it! I have to stay! It drove me crazy trying to figure out what the hell he meant. Every article I read, about fighting was to leave, have a spare bank account, make your plan and go. But I stayed...
I was a die hard Dr. Phil fan, and if anyone was a Dr. Phil fan, you had to be an Oprah fan too. It kind of went hand in hand.
As much as these two shows were buffers to escape my world for 2 hours, they were the seeds of the change.
It must have been around 2000 that I started this process as I remember going to the book store and buying Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil. Doing the work in the book and feeling that "gutted feeling" of even trying to attempt the worksheets. I didn't want to get better, I wanted to leave. I pushed forward.
Most of my memories are pushed aside, but I remember the clarity of Dr. Phil's statement. It was 9 years later, so much had changed. My ex and I did everything separate unless it was to do with the kids.
I just woke up, literally woke up, and said to myself... we are not fighting, loving, or caring with each other and I am ready to go. I had a peacefulness come over me that I had never felt before. I understood for the first time in my life the feeling of truth to self.
Ten years after that show... I left for good. Both of us at peace for we knew it was time. We were done fighting.
I am a true believer that we choose our paths and everything is meant to be as it is... because lets face it... it happened.
Today I teach others to find their way. Not through leaving but in dissecting their life NOW. By understanding the purpose of loving themselves in the life they are in.
It was not an easy path. Today I am able to create my positive thought belief system a hell of a lot faster than 10 years. Wooohooo to that! I do my work on myself daily, but today I am true to what I want and who I am.
For that I am thankful for my past relationship!
If you want to find out how to dissect your thoughts, head to my website www.smileinsdieout.com