I remember the day I moved into my new place. A small 2 bedroom furnished basement suite. I was starting over. I was excited. I unpacked the little belonging that I had with me, that took me all of 30 minutes.
13 years of knowing this time would come, and it was here. Now after all the unpacking was done, there seemed to be a huge weight on my shoulders that I just could not unpack.
What was this feeling?
Guilt? I did leave my kids with their Dad for this week, as discussed, picking them up tomorrow to share their new space. They were going to be OK. We were going to be OK. I knew that in my soul. That was not the feeling.
Bored? Well, lets face it, I have been a Mom and always had things on the go and running here, running there. Maybe a bit of that. I will just have to adjust my time. Really, I can do anything I want. I don't have to answer to anyone. (Did a little dance to that freedom thought.) Nope, that was not it.
I sat quietly for a bit looking out the large living room window onto the beautiful lake that surrounded me. (Water brings me peace, and that is what I needed.) I grabbed a clean journal that I picked up that day before heading to my new pad... I sat down and started to write...
I didn't know who I was!
I spent so much time adjusting myself to make everyone else happy, I didn't know who I was on my own.
I had never been 'alone' before. Parents, roommate, bf turns to hubby. The silence was deafening.
I almost started to have a panic attack, my brain asking "What the HELL were you thinking?" I put the journal down, all that was written was "A New Beginning"
I didn't know how to be with myself, with my thoughts, with my feelings... ahhhhhh
I must have paced the small space of the living room for about 3 hours when I realized that time had passed. I slowly stopped, sat down on the couch and cried. It was not from sadness but for the moment of awareness of the numbness leaving my body. For the allowing of the feelings that flooded my soul.
I picked up the journal, and started to write. This time, of the commitment I made to myself. Of who I wanted to be.
This was what I put:
Toady I start over, not to leave my past behind, but to learn and grow into the person I want to continue to be. I chose my past as it was, exactly as it was for me to be a better person. I do not blame anyone for the outcome. It was perfect.
My kids are going to be amazing, loved by both parents no matter what, I will not speak ill of their father to them. There is no place for that in their hearts.
I will be by myself and choose myself until I know exactly who I am. My path from here on is MY journey.
Today, 7 years later, I can say, I did just that. It was not all rainbows, I lost my way a few times and got caught up in emotions. But, I learned new tools daily and created a way for me to master my own mind on thinking, my own emotions, and give myself permission to feel.
I do my work every day, as I am in charge of my own path.
If you find yourself in my story, leave me a comment.
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