Using Guilt as Manipulation
Guilt is the most convincing emotion.
Guilt is the most controlling emotion.
I know this emotion all to well.
From a life of having others use it to try and change my mind.
To using it to try and change others minds.
What does guilt feels like in the body and mind.
I did a quiet session of just sitting and feeling to find out.
Mistaken for or creates anxiety!
Self worth was forgotten in the moment!
When I put myself in this moment it was sad. Of course each people might have similar or very different descriptions, yet I am sure you can understand very well the control it has on you or others.
If I was to paint a situation for you, which I am sure a lot can relate to, I would use the example of a child needing to get his or her way.
A separated home, when the child is back and forth from mom's to dad's.
Each parent may have guilt because they couldn't stay to happy for the kids sake of having a happy life.
Yet, I know kids who have amazingly happy, loving parent who live an unhappy life. Just sayin...
It is all in the way we think or are taught to think.
A child who is mad because the father is working and can't make a dance recital.
The child will voice their sadness, yet the dad feels he is doing the best he can, but sees the child belief that he is not. GUILT.
The child who says "Mom always lets me do it!" when asked if she can go to a friends house. The Dad then feels guilt because he left his ex and now they have different rules and feels it's too hard for the kids to cope with.
How about when you are in a store and the child acts out to get a treat? Do you give in from guilt of saying yes last time.
Kids learn to manipulate the situation... from us!
How many times have you manipulated a situation from your actions?
I know I catch myself sometimes falling for that trap of being in it and doing it.
These situations happen all the time. These are learned skills from everything that happens in our past.
These are the patterns of our thoughts which I speak about on a regular basis.
Hell, I even catch myself falling into the guilt with my own kids when I see their emotions on their face.
Or catch myself using the emotion when I can't seem to get it through their heads that I need them to do something.
The key is to understanding the emotion you feel when guilt is presented because it is a trained reaction.
Good news... you can stop it.
The first time you put your child to the crib for their night time sleep when they have their days and nights mixed, they cry.
This guts you, you record this emotion and walaaaa your thoughts take over when you create the action of going into the room to pick up your child because the crying has not stopped after 1 minute.
The child then says.... Holy crap... I just made my mom come pick me up from crying.
Then the next time, they try it again, and again and again.
When you finally say enough is enough, you switch your thinking and you let them cry a bit longer each time with the results of them falling asleep on their own and sleeping through the night.
What about when we say as parents,
If you do this, you can have ...
If you only knew what I have been through you would understand...
If you loved me, you would...
If you loved me you wouldn't ...
I could go on and on.
This is the pattern of thinking is so destructive to yourself.
I hear it a lot with parents who are split and feel guilty they left because their children are hurting.
I hear it a lot with spouses who cheat. "She needs to do this, so I trust her!" (Keep an open mind with this as it is only an example)
Even with ones who were cheated on, "if only I did this they would not have cheated."
This way of thinking is creating a stuck feeling.
So you may be asking... How the hell do I stop what someone else is doing?
That is not your job or business to stop others actions.
It is your job to control what you feel, think and do.
First and foremost, stop being a victim!
You have the choice. You have a mind that can choose to think how you feel or let your feeling do the thinking.
What do I mean?
If you get the guilt feeling, your mind will automatically want to default to sadness, gutted, anxiety because over the years you have programmed it to think that when you get the guilty feeling.
Now, you need to create the NEW feeling and thinking you WANT to feel when you the situation arises.
Not only will you feel better, you will teach the other person how to treat you.
They will resist because this will be new to them.
Their resistance is not your business.
If it is a child, you can simply say what you want, and allow them and guide them through the same process of their feelings.
You have to remember, this is long time learned emotion in you and the person you trained to be that way towards you.
This will take time.
Knowing your triggers, how you feel, think and what your body does when you experience the emotion of guilt is the key.
Knowing what you WANT when you feel, think and, what your body does when you experience the emotion of guilt is power.
Write this all down using the D.E.B.A.R Method (if you don't know what that is click here)
The power is in the new way of thinking you create.
Let's face it,
If everyone did as we said the world would have no happiness.
If we did everything everyone else said, we would have no hapiness.
So lets create our own inner smile by accepting our truth by doing our work to understand who we are.
The people in your life will see you as happy and want to follow, because being in a guilt driven life is not happiness.
Would love to hear your thoughts on this.