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Why Blaming Others Gives Them Control Over You.
Do you blame others for your unhappiness?
Do you blame others for results in your life?
What if I tell you, it has nothing to do with anyone else?
It has everything to do with you!
Are you going to have a crappy day and blame me because I told you the truth?
Would you buy a house and let someone rent it for free?
Well, this is exactly what you are doing when you put blame on others for results you are getting in your life.
Let me explain.
When you say to someone, "You hurt my feelings when you did that."
You are telling yourself, I am going to manipulate the situation by making them see my hurt so they change who they are.
AND
The only way I can be happy is if they change their behavior.
Ummmm...
Then why are you so unhappy?
How easy is it for you to make changes within yourself on a daily basis?
Yet you expect everyone to change around you to meet your needs to become the happiest person around.
As soon as someones actions, beliefs or emotions do not match what you do, feel or think, the hurt comes back and you again blame the other person for hurting your feelings.
Sounds a bit ludicrous right!
It happens daily.
I hear it within my coaching.
I hear it within my kids.
I hear myself say it from time to time.
Have you ever said to yourself, "he needs to change in order for this to work?"
Or
"They need to start treating me better in order for me to treat them with any respect."
I am sure as you are reading this, you can see the fault in this thinking, but at the same time, you know you have said it at some point in your life.
All parts of your life are controlled by you.
Ok, ok, OK...
I hear you saying, "but I can't control the tire blowing as I head to work and its because of that, I am late."
You are right!
You can't control a flat tire but you can control how you react to the situation. You can choose to feel what you are feeling and control the thoughts that are racing in your mind.
Everything is in your control after the event, fact or circumstance shows up.
You can choose to keep calm, phone into work and tell them you are going to be late.
If your boss is pissed off, that is his unfortunate situation of not controlling his emotions.
You do not have to take that emotion on, because again it is a circumstance outside of your control that your boss is pissed off.
That is what I call renting a house for free.
Unwanted, uncontrolled negative thoughts, feelings and actions... free rent.
I recently had a coaching call with a client who blamed everyone in office for her unhappiness.
After digging a little deeper, this client took a position to further her career and she did not like the work.
So felt stuck and upset at the thought of having to stay in a position which she did not like. Now because of her prediction of how people would look at her, for not sticking it out in this job and wanting to move into a new position which brings her joy. She chose to stay in a place of feeling stuck.
It's not the job. It's not her boss. It's not office politics, its her thoughts about it all creating her emotions and reacting.
So you might be asking.... that is fine and dandy but how do I see it differently when all I see if the boss who is mad? The tire that is flat? The job I have to go to everyday which I do not like?
Next time you hear yourself throwing blame at something or someone ask yourself these 2 questions.
1. What am I in control of in this situation?
Seriously think of this.
Think of a time, right now, that you poured the blame bucket over someone's head. In this situation that came to you, if you are 100% truthful with yourself, you will see your actions, emotions and thoughts. Write it down.
We are always in control after a circumstance. We just THINK we are not. We THINK we react because of what happened. We THINK we have these emotions because of what happened. We THINK we believe what is happening to us is because of what happened. Seriously THINK about this.
2. What is the truth about the situation?
Like I have explained before, there are always 3 sides to every story.
Your story is your story... but really dig deep to hear the 100% truth of it.
We as humans like to candy coat, lie to ourselves to make us feel better. It's the instant gratification, the payoff. If we lie, we then blame. Holding the blame bucket to throw at someone or something, takes all responsibility away from yourself. But it also hands the power to someone else. It makes you need to have the situation to be different, their actions to be different, their beliefs to be different for you to find peace within yourself.
Take a child for instance, who has a crappy up bringing. The blame is on how they were raised. They might become a product of their environment and see no hope.
Yet a young child who has been raped, beaten, had a her child aborted at age 15, was poor as poor could come, plus was in a era of racial hate, was able to turn her life around from what she found inside. Her name is Oprah.
So really, what is your truth?
Here is an amazing quote which sums this up perfectly...
"All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy."
— Wayne Dyer
Don't let blame control your way of being.
You are strong!