Every single thing we do in our life comes with our own personal payoffs.
Do you know what that is?
Have you ever thought of it?
Well, in 2005, I was kicking back watching one of Dr. Phil's crazy episodes. I honestly have no idea what it was on.
What I do remember, was a defining moment to a simple question.
I can probably assume it was an episode on a crazy couple who can't seem to get along and wondering if it was time to leave.
When Dr. Phil asked the wife, "What is your payoff for your behavior?"
It not only stopped the girl to really truly think what she was getting in return to behave the way she was, it changed me instantly.
Lets look at a couple scenarios:
1. You are having an argument with your boss. You are right pissed off for the way he spoke to you in front of everyone.
You start telling everyone what happened, from your perspective. Anyone who listens is getting pelted with the story. You continue to tell the co-workers not even in your department.
What is your Payoff?
A. You gather troops to your side.
B. You attract attention.
C. People repeat your story to give you more notice. (Even if the story is wrong, against you or for you)
2. You are having an argument with your spouse. In that argument you point out all the wrong doings over the last 5 years that you have stored away like a elephant to use just at this moment. After all the tongue lashing you give the silent treatment, refusing to discuss this any further.
What is your Payoff?
A. In the moment of telling all the wrong doings to your spouse, you gain a sense that they are listening and you are being heard.
B. In the moment of being silent, you have a payoff of believing you are teaching them a lesson.
C. Your silence may create a different behavior learned such as sucking up, begging for forgiveness and finally
D. Attention from your spouse.
Every behavior has a payoff or you just would not do it. Ever!
Cheating on your spouse is the self gratification (for the moment)
Calling names is self gratification
A child misbehaving when they are on the phone is attention grabbing.
The list goes on and on and on.
Dr Phil says:
"If you want to stop behaving in a certain way, you’ve got to stop “paying yourself off” for doing it."
Be aware to the possibility that your behavior is controlled by fear of rejection.
It’s easier not to change.
This is why we stay stuck.
Try something new or put yourself on the line.
Also, consider if your need for immediate gratification creates an appetite for a small payoff now rather than a large payoff later.
These little tools of mindset can give you the largest gratification in the release of fear, the release of rejection.
Give yourself permission to have courage and fear will weaken.
Give yourself acceptance and and others rejection will not be as important.
Everything about your mindfulness is work.
What's Your Payoff?