If you work so hard at a job you hate, imagine what you could accomplish at one you love.
That old saying, "You can't choose your family" is very much similar to any workplace.
Dysfunctional and toxic... yes every family member has that certain someone in their family.
As do our workplaces.
The Mother Hen who has taken everyone under their wing to hear all the gossip to keep it going, which happens in the workplace.
The Dead Beat who brings the team down with poor performance.
The Cry Baby who is in a constant turmoil because no one will use his ideas and always storms off, slams objects and makes sure EVERYONE hears how "unfair" life is.
The Lime Lighter who is always taking credit for others' work and is doing what is best for her and not what is best for the team.
There are so many more...
These individuals are draining to be around.
The energy can be sucked out of you faster than you realize, you can find yourself down a rabbit hole before you know it.
Greed, laziness, selfishness and backstabbing behaviors are all too common in many company cultures.
I wrote a blog on 15 toxic people who rain on your parade which goes a little deeper yet into the personality types of others who can me mentally draining.
Luckily for you, I am going to share with you what I do and has proven over and over again to work like magic.
Now let me first prep you, my pretty.
This is going to take some energy at first on your part.
This is not going to be easy, but so very much worth it.
With any change, you will find the resistance from the other person, but most importantly YOURSELF.
You will find conflict within yourself because you have been hating on your work family for some time.
Telling yourself stories as to why they are the way they are, who did what to whom, what so-and-so did not do today and you had to pick up the slack.
What is the toxic waste that is slowly poisoning your blood stream?
Your own damn thoughts about it.
Does that tweak a bit of bitterness hearing that?
Because shit is about to get real!!
Let me ask you a few questions before we move on.
1. Do you feel shitty at the end of the work day?
2. Is your mindset on the negatives of the day?
3. Is the toxic waste with you till the next day?
If you answered YES to any one of these 3 questions, you are in a toxic mindset.
You have been poisoned and until now, you have not had the remedy to cure yourself.
Are you part of the problem or the solution?
It is so very easy to look at someone else's fault, judge that fault for what you believe is a correct manner of behavior.
It is not as easy to look within and see if you are part of the problem.
Now, I am not indicating this is true, but I am definitely pushing you outside your comfort zone to looking deeper within, than just the surface of the individual on trial.
If you can find yourself asking question such as:
What is wrong with him?
Why did she do that?
Who acts like that?
Why does he believe he is so special?
You will find yourself in a story telling, problem focused mindset.
Instead ask yourself solution focused questions such as:
What does he want to achieve?
What do we need to do to make this work?
How can I think differently about this situation?
What don't I see?
Do you see the difference?
Not going to lie, it's not easy to shift your mindset into a solution focused thinking pattern when you have the emotions of a furious lion standing in front of you.
It is easy to point fingers at the behavior standing in front of you, rather than the emotions rising in side of you.
BUT... you can only control you.
Change your perspective.
At this point, you might be thinking, 'WTF Kryssie, are you nuts? You are making this about me!'
Yes, I am making this about you. It's the only thing you can 100% control.
Changing your perspective has 5 steps.
(Remember, I didn't say this was going to be easy... I said it was going to be worth it!)
Using my Signature D.E.B.A.R. Method and worksheet:
Write down your thoughts about the situation, the fact of the problem.
Writing down what you are thinking is 10x more powerful than just keeping it in your mind.
Write what emotions you are feeling about your thought about the situation.
Write down the belief you have of the thought you are thinking.
Write down the actions you are doing or NOT doing when you believe, feel and think that thought.
Write down the results you are getting in your life.
You have to understand, it is law, the results you are getting in life are a direct link to what you believe, what you feel and how you act on a situation.
Once you understand this concept, you can then use this tool to understand you can "flip" your thinking, your feeling, and your actions to change the perceptive of the situation.
When you choose to behave a certain way due to others actions, they control you.
Core value clash or toxic behavior?
Knowing your core values is one of the most powerful discoveries.
You can find your core values with loads of examples and a free download worksheet here.
Confusion and conflict can happen when 2 polar opposite types of core values have to work together.
One might value hard work and another might value appreciation.
If you don't share your appreciation for that person, your co-worker may feel that you do not value them.
On the same page, you may feel that if they do not work hard (your kind of hard) and they are labeled lazy and do not deserve any appreciation.
In some cases, some people are lazy, and in any case that can be frustrating.
But in the long run, that reflects on them with their results, not you.
Label behaviors not the person
I will explain this with an example.
I sit on a board of directors with 10 others for the fall fair in our community .
I have been part of the board for over 15 years and have been in every position possible. Well seasoned some would say.
This past year, I found myself in a position of labeling.
2 years ago, a new board member joined our team.
A shy quiet nice guy. Showed up to every meeting, every work party and was always looking busy.
This year, I was finding myself being pulled many times from my directorship duties to fulfill this directors tasks of gates. (You can imagine the importance of proper staffing for where the money flows).
He never seemed to be around or checking on his responsibilities, which was my judgement.
On day 3 of this 4 day event, I had been running ragged on my duties and now his. Where the hell was he?
I found him working away on sweeping up the grounds.
I went up to him and asked him how his area was going?
I asked him if he was checking on front gates, his answer was my lesson.
"No, I assumed the group who was manning the gates for the last 4 years knew what they were doing, and the fact that I have only been a director for 2 years, (I still am learning my role), that they would know more than me. I feel stupid not knowing what my role is without checking my binder every 2 seconds, so I look for other things to do and just keep working unless someone comes to me and asks."
It was then, my label of him changed to the behavior. He was not a leader, but a worker who was willing to do what he knew how to do. No one took him and showed him.
For the rest of the day, I worked WITH him and he learned his role. The last day, I focused on my duties.
Everyone learns different, everyone works different, everyone IS different.
That is the beauty of life.
The whole point is this...
Yes, there are people who are going to get under your skin. There are people who are doing to think they are better, want tall the attention, swear at you, yell at you, talk behind your back and so on.
Remember: You might be that person to someone else.
Work on you, understand you, be the best version of you.
When you can do this, strengthen your own core, then you will find your inner smile will shine a little more.
Have you ever dealt with a toxic co-worker? How did you deal with it?